Not sent 2

Obviously I sent you a message, because I’m weak. Not only one message, but a few. I didn’t know what I expected, but I just know that I expected more. All of a sudden it’s as if you turned into someone completely different. I don’t understand how you can be so cold. The thing that really sucks though, is that I understand why you are being this way. To be honest, I just want to push you. Like shove you very hard. Your rationality and reasonableness is killing me slowly. Then again, I can’t even be properly mad at you, because you’re just so right. It’s as if you can see everything crystal  clear while I am stumbling half blind on a path I don’t even want to be on. I even have nightmares at night about how I am wearing glasses that make everything blurry and strain my eyes, but for some reason I can’t take them off. I really think God only put you in my life so that I could learn a couple of things from you, but now that I’ve learnt them you’ve been grabbed abruptly off my life journey and I really don’t want to walk the rest of it without you. I guess I just have to get use to it and I pray that one day I will wake up and be able to take the glasses off and understand why it had to hurt so much.

It hurts so much.

Ongesond

Ek wens ek kon weet hoe ek voel,

ek wens ek kon myself verstaan,

maar daar’s ‘n wind in my wat alles deurmekaar waai

en die bietjie rasionaliteit wat oor is heeltemal laat weggaan.

Ek het gehoop dat die vrae nog vir ‘n ruk in die lug kon hang,

want dit was meer gerieflik as om hulle te vang.

Die vrae het nou egter saam met my die grond getref

en ek wens ek het alles al vroeër besef.

Jy is die wind, ek wou jou nog sê,

maar voor ek kon, het die wind gaan lê.

Eweskielik kan ek my gevoelens definieer met die woorde uit jou mond.

Dis eintlik so eenvoudig, my gevoelens vir jou is ongesond.

Not sent 1

I want nothing more than to send you a message right now. I don’t know why, because I am not even really expecting an answer, but I don’t care. I just want you to know that I am constantly thinking about you. I also can’t help but wonder when the bitterness of your loss will start taking away the smile I get every time my mind entertains thoughts of you. I want to tell you that my day wasn’t too bad and that I am stressing about exams and that I want to have a picnic with you and make you try sushi for the first time. I want to tell you that the amount of time I spent only thinking about hugging you today was definitely unhealthy. I want to tell you that I watched the sunset while I was running on the treadmill and that it was breathtaking. I want to tell you that I sent you a letter today and I have this nagging feeling that it will never reach you. I want to tell you that I am so in love with you and that I do not agree with you at all, but at the same time I don’t want to tell you anything, because I know that will just make everything harder than it already is.

I’ll try my best not to tell you anything ever again.

Vanaand

Vlymskerp maak jou woorde my seer,

want dit getuig van jare en jare se ontbreking van leer.

Ek het weggekyk vir ‘n ruk, toe kyk ek jou sommer heeltemal mis

en nou het daar ‘n ontstuimigheid in my hart kom rus,

want jy’s die beste ding wat ek al ooit deur my vingers laat glip het

en ek wens ek kon net alles vroeër besef het.

 

Ek wens ek kon dieper in die nag in grou

en al die elektrisiteit tussen jou en my behou.

Met ‘n tik van jou vinger weet ek sou jy my skok,

jy met jou krullebos en ek met my blommerok.

Daar is min dinge wat ek weet van jou in die lig van die maan,

maar wat ek wel weet is: ek wil jou bors my kussing maak vanaand.