Obviously I sent you a message, because I’m weak. Not only one message, but a few. I didn’t know what I expected, but I just know that I expected more. All of a sudden it’s as if you turned into someone completely different. I don’t understand how you can be so cold. The thing that really sucks though, is that I understand why you are being this way. To be honest, I just want to push you. Like shove you very hard. Your rationality and reasonableness is killing me slowly. Then again, I can’t even be properly mad at you, because you’re just so right. It’s as if you can see everything crystal clear while I am stumbling half blind on a path I don’t even want to be on. I even have nightmares at night about how I am wearing glasses that make everything blurry and strain my eyes, but for some reason I can’t take them off. I really think God only put you in my life so that I could learn a couple of things from you, but now that I’ve learnt them you’ve been grabbed abruptly off my life journey and I really don’t want to walk the rest of it without you. I guess I just have to get use to it and I pray that one day I will wake up and be able to take the glasses off and understand why it had to hurt so much.
I want nothing more than to send you a message right now. I don’t know why, because I am not even really expecting an answer, but I don’t care. I just want you to know that I am constantly thinking about you. I also can’t help but wonder when the bitterness of your loss will start taking away the smile I get every time my mind entertains thoughts of you. I want to tell you that my day wasn’t too bad and that I am stressing about exams and that I want to have a picnic with you and make you try sushi for the first time. I want to tell you that the amount of time I spent only thinking about hugging you today was definitely unhealthy. I want to tell you that I watched the sunset while I was running on the treadmill and that it was breathtaking. I want to tell you that I sent you a letter today and I have this nagging feeling that it will never reach you. I want to tell you that I am so in love with you and that I do not agree with you at all, but at the same time I don’t want to tell you anything, because I know that will just make everything harder than it already is.
I’ll try my best not to tell you anything ever again.
I wish I could say that it bothers me that you asked her to the dance and that it’s silly, because you can’t even ask me seeing as I am in a different city. I wish I could tell you that you changed my life the day you sent me that letter and for some reason it actually reached me which is a miracle in itself. I wish I could tell you that you are both the highlight and the low light of my day. Highlight, because you never cease to make me smile, but low light because that smile is always stolen by the idea that it will probably never work. Maybe it will even work, but I’m just too afraid to try. I wish I could tell you that you are the first thing I think about when I wake up and the last thing before I fall asleep and you just occupy the space in my mind in between as well.
I wish I could tell you that I am falling in love with you, but for now I will just write a blog post about it, because otherwise I might burst. So, I will just tell you that I am glad she said yes and that she liked the flowers and that I am glad we met. So very glad.